Thranduil Drops In
by ccgaylord
Summary: Fed up with all the Mary Sues dropping into Middle Earth, Thranduil decides to pay a visit to the human world.
1. Part I

**Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to The Hobbit or any of its characters, etc.**

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><p><strong>Part I: The Holiday<strong>

Radagast didn't like unexpected visits. Particularly not from his neighbour, the elvenking of Mirkwood. Not that the elvenking was in the habit of visiting him, but that only made the visit all the more unexpected.

"Why don't you ask Saruman?" asked Radagast bluntly. "He's a much more powerful wizard than I am."

"He's also much farther away," said Thranduil. "It's a very simple thing I want. Just a potion. You have lots of those, don't you?"

"Not a potion that will transport you into a different world," said Radagast. "I'm all out of those. The White Council uses them to send Mary Sues home."

He cocked an eyebrow at Thranduil.

"You're not thinking of sending Legolas away, are you?" he asked.

"No," said Thranduil. "I'm going to take a holiday myself."

"In the human world?" said Radagast in horror. "I hate to break it to you, but you won't get much rest and relaxation there."

Thranduil snooted haughtily and did not deign to answer. He was looking over the bottles on Radagast's shelves.

"May I ask what gave you the idea?" asked Radagast curiously.

"The Mary Sues come here all the time and mess things up," said Thranduil. "So I thought I'd go to their world and let them see how it feels."

Radagast glanced at the bag of gold Thranduil had brought for payment and considered. This could be interesting.

"All right," he said, "I do have one bottle left. I've been keeping it for emergencies in case things got really bad here, but I suppose I could always mix up some more."

He pulled a small vial from under his bed. "Ten gold pieces," he said. "And you must promise to tell me all about it when you get back."

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><p>Legolas woke up feeling bouncy. The sun was shining and it was a beautiful morning. He leaped lightly out of bed and donned his pale blue bathrobe. Then he stood in front of his mirror and examined himself.<p>

"Your highness," said a voice behind him. He turned and beheld the royal butler.

"Good morning, Galion," said Legolas. "Two bottles of Dorwinion to my room, please. And I want breakfast at nine as usual."

"Your highness, I'm afraid we have a royal emergency," said Galion. "Your father has gone on a holiday."

"He needs a holiday," said Legolas lightly. He was still in a light mood. "He's been planning to take one for awhile - hasn't he told you? I'm not satisfied with the way my robes have been pressed. One of them had wrinkles in it yesterday."

"But your highness," said Galion, "he went on a holiday to the human world."

"He went _where_?" said Legolas, pausing in the middle of brushing his hair and staring in horror at Galion.

"I tried to stop him," said Galion apologetically. "He wouldn't listen to me."

"But this is horrible," said Legolas. "How long ago did he leave?"

"More than fifteen minutes ago, your highness."

"I must go after him at once," said Legolas rushing out of his bedroom and down the hall towards the elvenking's chambers.

"But your highness," said Galion, pursuing him, "do you think that would be wise? The elvenking is unlikely to listen to you if you tell him to come back and anyway, I'm sure he is capable of taking care of himself."

"I'm not worried about him," said Legolas. "I'm worried for the humans. Who knows what he might do to their world?"

He entered his father's apartments and looked around, expecting to behold a magic portal.

"Um, Galion," he said, "how exactly do I get to the human world?"

"The elvenking drank that potion on the dressing table," explained Galion.

"Aha!" said Legolas, snatching up the bottle. The elvenking had, with characteristic economy, reserved half of the potion.

"But who will look after the woodland realm if both of you are gone?" said Galion, hoping Legolas would appoint him.

"I won't be gone long," said Legolas. "Good bye!"

He swallowed the potion.

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><p>Thranduil had never experienced teleportation before and he had just discovered that it was not his favourite mode of travel. His elk was much more comfortable, not to mention dignified. For the first three minutes after falling into the human world the elvenking was unable to do anything beyond try to stay upright and get the nasty feeling of spinning in circles to die away. When at last the little floating candles had disappeared and he was able to see clearly he found that he was standing next to a busy intersection and that the walk light had just turned green. A crowd of pedestrians was pushing past him to get onto the crosswalk.<p>

Thranduil glanced around at the tall buildings in disgust. It looked a little like Mordor. Cigarette ends all over the pavement. Nasty smells of exhaust. Why had he come here for a holiday? There weren't many ways he could make the place worse.

Suddenly he noticed a smell that was not unpleasant. It was emanating from a building on the far side of the street toward which a lot of other people were headed. Thranduil decided to check it out.

The place seemed to be entirely devoted to the grinding, brewing, and selling of a small dark bean. The drink they made from it looked suspiciously like an orc draught, but it smelled good and the person portrayed on the cup looked slightly elvish, so Thranduil swept to the counter to place an order.

"What do you want?" asked the cashier.

"The best you have," said Thranduil. "And hurry. Er, how much does it cost?"

"Well, um, I like the toffee mocha frappacino. It's seven dollars and sixty-five cents."

Thranduil paid with his Mirkwood credit card which was the only form of currency he had that the machine would accept. Then he took his styrofoam cup and moved over to a table by a window overlooking the very ugly and boring street. Thranduil was beginning to think that he had picked the wrong place for a holiday. However, he was not going back to Middle Earth right away and have everyone say "I told you so." He would wait and see if any good opportunities for disruption turned up.

On the bright side, the drink he was sipping tasted delicious. Not everything was going wrong. Thranduil flung his cloak over several of the nearest chairs and leaned back luxuriously. It might be a third rate world, but he was still an elvenking - no, _the _elvenking - and that was pretty cool.

Somewhere in the distance behind him he heard the sound of breaking glass. _Orc attack? _he wondered vaguely. No, there were no orcs in Mirkwood. Then he remembered that he was not in Mirkwood. He heard a scream. Several screams. He wondered if he should bother turning around and trying to figure out what was going on. No, too much trouble. Someone would take care of it.

He jumped suddenly as he heard his name.

"It's Thranduil! Oh my gosh!"

Before he could react further a bevy of strange females had congregated in the space directly in front of him. They were all staring at him and didn't seem in the least repelled by the displeased expression he was trying hard to give them. What they were saying made Thranduil very uncomfortable. He was unused to being discussed as if he were not present and intensely disliked being called "Thrandy".

"Stand back!" he said haughtily, as some of the fangirls started getting too close to his robes and getting unsettling gleams in their eyes as if they were considering stealing souvenirs from him. His command had little effect and he continued with a little less of his usual composure.

"I did not give any of you menial creatures permission to enter the presence of Thranduil, elvenking. Leave the room at once."

"Awwww," said a chorus of high-pitched voices while several of the females fainted away.

Thranduil was growing more and more uncomfortable. He wished he had brought Legolas along. Or Tauriel, or Feren, or even Galion. He wondered why he had ever had the idea to come to a potentially hazardous world all by himself. At least he had brought along his sword. He felt at his belt and clutched the haft of the sword with a feeling of reassurance.

"Hey!" said one of the fangirls loudly. Thranduil was relieved to see that she was speaking not to him but to the cashier of the coffee shop, but his relief did not last long.

"Hey, can you take my picture with Thranduil?" she yelled.

Thranduil watched in horror as she handed her phone to the cashier and then walked towards him with a goofy look of devoted fan-ness on her face.

"This is so amazing," she said. "I've always wanted to meet you."

She put out her arm with the evident intention of putting it around his shoulder. Thranduil had sudden visions of photographic evidence all over facebook and youtube of him being hugged by a mortal fangirl.

"I'm next! No, I'm next!" shouted what seemed a thousand voices emanating from the thirty or so fangirls watching.

Thranduil's vision grew fuzzy and an awful blackness seemed to descend on him. Suddenly he heard a familiar voice.

"Don't be afraid, father! I'm here!"

He opened his eyes to see a familiar face. Legolas's, to be exact.

Thranduil suddenly wondered why he had wished even for a moment that Legolas was there. Now that Legolas _was _there Thranduil realised that his presence was the only thing that could have made the situation even worse.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, feeling his composure returning. "I don't remember giving you permission to leave the palace."

"I came to rescue you," said Legolas.

"Go to your room at once," said Thranduil. This was more like it. Finally he had someone whom he could order around with any likelihood of being obeyed. Legolas looked cowed and Thranduil could also see that the fangirls were impressed by his ordering about someone who looked older than him.

"But dad," began Legolas.

"At once," said Thranduil. "I do not require your assistance. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Not only that, but I took a holiday expressly to get away from you and your tasteless styles in clothing."

Thranduil wrapped up this speech with a domineering glance at Legolas's favourite outfit of green and brown.

Legolas hung his head. He couldn't disobey his father the elvenking, but nor could he leave him in what was, in spite of what Thranduil had said, obviously a serious plight. Legolas had no doubt that his father could take care of himself, but he had horrible visions of him severing heads from fangirls and getting into trouble with the human world police force. They were much stricter about that sort of thing here.

"Uh, look dad," he said, "don't you think it would be more relaxing to go to Ithilien instead? I mean, you could hike the nice trails there and take a plunge in the forbidden pool..."

"Who's the father here?" said Thranduil loudly. This didn't sound impressive enough to him. "Who's the elvenking here?" he emended.

"You are."

"Then I think I know what's best for my constitution," said Thranduil. "I like the drinks they serve here. I'm staying. Besides, I think I see a five star hotel across the street."

"But - "

"Go home immediately!"

There was a long silence.

"Um," said Legolas.

"What are you waiting for?" said Thranduil. "Obey me, my son!"

"Er," said Legolas, "how were _you _planning to get back?"

"I have a potion," said Thranduil. "I saved half of it for the return trip. I shall have no trouble getting back, don't worry."

Legolas continued to stare at him. Thranduil fumbled in his robe pocket.

"Oh no, I seem to have left it behind somehow. That was careless. Never mind, you can go home by whatever portal brought you here and get it for me. And hurry up."

Still Legolas didn't move.

"Where is the portal anyway?" said Thranduil. "It might be a useful thing to know, in case I have to leave before you get back."

He looked around the coffee shop.

"There isn't one," said Legolas hanging his head.

"What?"

"There isn't one," said Legolas more loudly. "I drank your potion."

"Then how did you get - " began Thranduil before Legolas's explanation sank in. He stopped.

"You drank it?"

"Yes."

"All of it?"

"Yes."

"Did you bring the bottle?"

Legolas held out the empty bottle. Thranduil seized it, turned it upside down, and shook it desperately.

"It's empty," he said.

Legolas cringed.

"HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY THINGS! I MEAN, I BUY YOU ENOUGH THINGS OF YOUR OWN, DON'T I? AM I NOT A GOOD ENOUGH PARENT FOR YOU? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING I HAVE?"

"Uh, dad," said Legolas, "the fangirls..."


	2. Part II

**Part II: Sales Executive**

Thranduil spun around to see that the crowd of fangirls had grown and was advancing upon him. For a while they had been too awestruck by his royal mien to do anything more than stare and sigh, but now they were collecting their forces for an all-out attack.

"Will you sign this?" shouted someone from the crowd, waving a t-shirt. Someone else waved a Hobbit DVD.

"They mean to surround us," said Legolas. This was obvious. In fact, it had already been done.

"Quickly!" shouted Legolas, springing to action.

Much as he hated to follow Legolas's lead, Thranduil deemed it to be the wisest course of action and scrambled after him up onto a table.

"Now what?" he demanded irritably.

"We're trapped."

"Use your bow," suggested Thranduil.

"No! Not unless the situation becomes dire indeed."

The fangirls were all around them now, avoiding their kicks and trying to grab their clothes. Since Legolas wore a short tunic and leggings he was much less vulnerable to grabbing on to than Thranduil who wore a full length robe, not to mention multiple yards of royal cape. As a matter of fact Thranduil noticed that nearly all the attention was directed towards him, which anomaly he could not make sense of. Legolas had always been the popular one. Legolas couldn't make sense of it either.

"Draw them off," gasped Thranduil desperately. "I might be able to make it to the door."

"I'll sign your shirt!" shouted Legolas over the hubbub.

Several of the older looking fangirls surged half-heartedly towards him. The rest ignored his offer.

"Listen," said Thranduil, "I'm not interested in any of you. And I'm already married. See?"

He held up his wallet and showed them all his wedding picture.

"Uh, dad," said Legolas, "Mom died like two ages ago."

"Shut up," hissed Thranduil. "Do you have a better idea?"

"Well, it's not working."

Thranduil glanced out the window as the sound of sirens caught his ears. Several police cars had pulled up outside.

"Wait a minute, I have an idea," said Legolas. He snatched a poster from a nearby fangirl. "Here, dad; sign it," he said.

Thranduil took the poster and the sharpie Legolas shoved into his hand and hastily signed his name in the corner. Legolas snatched the poster back and held it up.

"Hey, here you are; catch!" he called. He flung the poster at the further corner of the room. It flew about six inches and then drifted slowly towards the ground.

"Moron," said Thranduil, catching it. He rolled it into a tight roll and launched it in the general direction of the cash register. There was an immediate exodus on the part of the fangirls, allowing Thranduil and Legolas to leave the table and reach the door.

They exited the coffee shop just as the police began to surround the building. The two elves turned and walked nonchalantly up the street, attempting to look like innocent passersby wholly unconnected with the fracas inside.

Legolas took a deep breath and mentally patted himself on the back for being brilliant enough to get them out of that scrape.

"That was fun," remarked Thranduil. He glanced across the street at a large book store. "Let's try there next."

"Dad!" said Legolas. "Don't you think we'd better concentrate on how to get back home?"

"We can't get back," snapped Thranduil. "_You _drank my potion. While we're stuck here we might as well enjoy it."

He crossed the street and entered the store. Legolas reluctantly followed him. Just inside the automatic doors was a large display of books with a sign that said "Book Signing Here Today!" Thranduil strode over and spread himself over the comfortable easy chair that stood behind a small table in front of the sign.

"Dad, you can't sit there," said Legolas nervously.

"I'll sit where I want to."

Legolas shrugged and wandered off to the music section. When he returned ten minutes later he found a long line of customers queued up in front of Thranduil's table. Some of them had brought books for him to sign, but many more were busily buying books from the stack. There were only a few books left and the fifty or so customers who didn't have one yet were fighting fiercely over them. Thranduil was signing books as unconcernedly as if he was at home in his palace signing spider extermination orders.

Legolas looked curiously over his father's shoulder at the book he was signing. The title read "_How to Look Fabulous in Thirty Days_" and the author was someone Legolas had never heard of. He glanced around nervously to see how the store manager was taking it. If the manager was the fat man in the aisle staring at the depleted pile of books with a huge smile on his face, he was taking it very well.

Suddenly Legolas heard a shriek and all the fangirls from the coffee shop who had not been arrested came rushing into the store shouting "There he is!"

"Dad!" yelled Legolas.

"Son!" yelled Thranduil.

They both bolted. Legolas didn't know where they were going, except that it seemed to be in the general direction of a small red exit sign at the back of the store. Behind them he could hear the screams of the fangirls and the despairing cries of the customers who had not had their books signed yet.

"Get it open! Get it open!" screamed Thranduil as they reached the door.

They both threw all their weight against the door and popped out into a back alley.

"Quick! Onto the roof!" said Legolas, striking one of his best action poses. "They won't be able to follow us."

Thranduil lowered his eyebrows. "And make a spectacle of ourselves in front of the whole city?" he demanded haughtily. "When will you ever learn to be dignified?" He felt that it was time he began to assert his fatherhood and start giving the orders. "We shall go down the street like civilised people."

A crowd of fangirls erupted from the door behind them. Legolas sprinted down the alley towards the street and Thranduil swept up his robes and followed him, looking as unlike a civilised person as it was possible to look at the moment.

"Which way?" panted Legolas as they reached the street.

"Over here. There seems to be one of those mortal law enforcement officers."

"Dad! You'll get arrested."

"Hey, what's going on?" said the policeman as Thranduil and Legolas approached.

"Arrest those people for assault," shouted Thranduil, sweeping regally up to him. "Also indecorous behaviour in the presence of the elvenking."

"Who're you, buddy?"

"And causing a disturbance. And being a public nuisance. And breaking windows. And disrupting peaceful book signings."

The fangirls were coming closer. Thranduil glanced over his shoulder and spoke faster.

"You could probably fine them for unlawful assembly, too. And possibly speeding, if there's a pedestrian speed limit. And...what other laws do you have here?"

"Dad, let's get out of here," said Legolas, tugging at his sleeve.

Thranduil jerked his sleeve away in annoyance.

"Immediately," he finished, waving his hand.

"If you want to lodge a complaint you have to do it down at the station," said the policeman. He could see the fangirls coming too and was getting edgy.

"You're throwing away a chance to make a lot of money," said Thranduil desperately. "You could collect enough fines for - never mind; namarie!"

The fangirls had gotten too close and the elves were off once more. They passed a random pedestrian who stopped and stared after them.

"Hey, you don't look anything like Thranduil, you dork!" yelled the pedestrian. "His robes were nowhere near that long and billowy and your hair looks stupid - "

The rest of his critique was lost in shouts of pain as a bevy of fangirls separated themselves from the pursuing mob to attack him. This gave Thranduil and Legolas time to reach a clothing store and slip inside.

"Psst! Dad, in here!" Legolas whispered, diving into a large rack of winter coats.

Thranduil attempted to follow but there was not room enough inside the rack for Legolas _and _Thranduil _and _the elvenking's long cape. Thranduil backed out again and looked around frantically for another hiding place.

His eye caught the store window full of plastic dummies in snazzy mens' fashions. Snatching a pair of sunglasses from a display, Thranduil leaped onto the low platform and pushed one of the mannequins into the aisle. Standing in its now vacated space, he donned the sunglasses and struck a stylish pose, hoping the fangirls would not recognise him through his thin disguise.

Two seconds later the fangirls streamed into the store and began to wander among the aisles, oblivious to the SALE! signs scattered liberally about the store. Inside the coat rack Legolas was getting itchy from the woolen coats. He poked his head out cautiously to see where his dad had ended up.

Thranduil was enjoying his pose in the store window, but he wished he had an elven throne to sit on. His legs were getting tired. On the upside, it was interesting to watch all the lame, mortal people sidle past, busy with their lame, mortal lives. It made him feel pretty cool by contrast. Even cooler than usual, that is.

The sunglasses he had grabbed randomly also happened to be a very nice brand and looked particularly good on him. At least, he assumed so, judging by all the looks he was getting. Several people actually stopped and stared and then went into the store with obsessed expressions on their faces.

"Dad!" hissed a voice in his ear.

"Go away, son. I'm busy," said Thranduil, upsetting his pose long enough to wave Legolas away.

"But dad, we need to leave. They're going to find you. And there's a bunch of people yelling at the store manager because he doesn't carry capes."

Thranduil turned around to see what was happening in the store. A crowd of people were swirling around an empty display that had once held sunglasses, while quite a few more were busy buying spangly pyjamas or blond hair colour. Loud voices floated over from the direction of the customer service desk.

"They ought to pay me for all the sales I'm bringing in for them," said Thranduil.

"They'll more likely call the police," said Legolas. "Come on, let's go."

"Not yet!"

"Hey, isn't that Thran - "

"All right, let's go!" said Thranduil, changing his mind and smashing dramatically through the window and out onto the sidewalk.

Legolas leaped out behind him and glanced up and down the street.

"Now where?" he asked.

"I'm hungry," said Thranduil.

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><p><strong>I first meant to make this story a one-shot, but it got too long. Now I'm having so much fun that I have to drag it on to part 3. Don't worry; Thranduil will get back home eventually.<strong>

**And to everyone who commented on the last part:**

**OneSizeFitsAll: **Well, I was making them show up in California, so as long as you don't go there you should be all right... **Lily Lindsey-Aubrey: **Yes! Totally make Elrond send him coffee! That would be great! **Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant: **Yes, kids... You would? O.O Actually, *cough* *hem* I probably would be too... **ThurinRanger: **I don't know who originally paired Thranduil and Starbucks, but they just go together really well... **HaloFin17: **Yeah, Thranduil kind of reminded me of Loki too. He and Legolas could always use some bonding time that doesn't involve slicing up orcs. :/ **krishnochura: **Yep, here you go! And thanks!


	3. Part III

_Last part! And sorry for the delay in updating! I was battling writer's block, work, post-flu stress disorder (whatever that is), loads of e-mails and PMs, mom-enforced screen-free time, and a huge stack of unread fanfics that all my favourite authors decided to crank out at once. :P (Thanks, guys. XD) So, anyway, here it is. And after this I will get back to my other stories, I promise._

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><p><strong>Part III: The Fangirls Close In<strong>

Legolas shifted in his chair and glanced around the less than posh interior of the restaurant his dad had chosen to patronise. He felt that they needed to be concentrating on getting home at the moment, not sitting in a restaurant waiting for pizza. Besides, those fangirls might show up again at any minute.

Thranduil glanced up from the menu.

"Do you like anchovies, Legolas?" he asked.

"No," said Legolas hastily. "Just order Hawaiian."

Thranduil was taking a maddeningly long time to decide on toppings.

"Good, then I'll have them put some on," said Thranduil, writing "anchovies" down on a napkin.

"But I said I didn't like them!"

"You can order your own pizza. You always eat most of mine."

They placed their orders and waited impatiently for the pizzas to arrive.

"It's really crowded in here tonight," Legolas remarked. He suddenly had a horrible thought and hastily stopped a passing waiter.

"Hey," he said, "do you usually have this many customers?"

"Oh yeah. It's always crowded in here."

"Phew," said Legolas. Then he added in a whisper to Thranduil, "I was afraid it might be because of us."

"Hey," said a waitress, coming up to their table. "Do you want to join our e-mail club? You just write down your e-mail addresses and you get a free pizza on your birthday."

"Free?" said Thranduil. He picked up a pen and started writing.

"Dad," whispered Legolas, looking dubiously at the paper the waitress had handed him, "you can't come all the way back to the human world just to get a free pizza."

"I don't have to come back. I'm stuck here. And so are you, so you might as well fill out the paper."

Legolas started writing down his e-mail address. From the table behind them came the sound of loud voices.

"Hi," said a voice in Legolas's ear that made him jump.

He turned to see a lady with green eye shadow and a spangly shirt that almost gave him seizures leaning over his shoulder.

"Can we borrow some of the chairs from this table?" she said.

"Uhhh," said Legolas.

"No," said Thranduil.

Legolas glanced at the three or four chairs his dad was sitting on.

"Maybe we should give them some chairs, dad," he said.

"The ones you're not using," said the lady.

"We're using all of them."

Legolas was relieved that his father's fierce glare was disturbing enough to drive the woman away. She appropriated some chairs from somewhere else and left the two elves alone.

The people at the table behind them were still making tons of noise, however, despite having gotten the chairs they needed. There seemed to be some sort of festivities going on which they were all celebrating with needless exuberance.

Legolas sighed and stared at the pile of grocery bags surrounding the elvenking's makeshift throne. He was still trying to forget the harrowing experience of going shopping with Thranduil at Foodlion, but he wasn't having much success. The last time he had gone grocery shopping with his father was when he was three and had fallen out of the cart and he had not wanted to repeat the experience since. Unfortunately he couldn't leave Thranduil by himself while they were in the human world so Legolas had had to follow him into the store, pushing an overloaded cart down every single aisle while Thranduil piled items into it.

_"Um, dad, how are you going to pay for all this stuff?"_

_"With my Mirkwood credit card. Grab one of those boxes of taco shells behind you.__"_

_"But you're not supposed to buy stuff on credit. Remember? Debt is bad."_

_"It's not _my_ fault. This third-rate mortal world won't accept any kind of payment except for credit cards."_

_"You'd better remember to pay it off right away."_

_"Be quiet and push the cart. I don't know why you're over-reacting like this. It's not like I use credit cards excessively; in fact, I never used this one at home anyway. I only got it because they offered a free wet wash floor machine for signing up."_

_"Are you sure we need _two _bottles of banana flavouring?"_

_"It's buy one get one free."_

_"Dad, what are you doing? Are those_ ALL _coupons? O.O__ This line is super long and you're holding everyone up."_

_"Shut up. I have a coupon for the pancake syrup somewhere. I _know_ I do..."_

Legolas shuddered and tried to engage his mind with something else. Watching the elvenking trying to pick up his napkin with a straw wasn't helping, either. Suddenly Legolas had an idea. He couldn't believe he hadn't thought of it before: he'd ask for directions!

He got up and went awkwardly over to the counter where an employee was drying glasses.

"Um, hi," he said. "This may sound like a weird question, but do you know how to get to Middle Earth from here?"

"Middle Earth?" asked the employee. "Do you mean the middle of the earth?"

"Uhhh," said Legolas.

"No, Middle Earth," said another employee, showing up just then. "You know, like in the Hobbit movies? You go to New Zealand; they have all the sets and everything from the movies there."

"...Okay," said Legolas. "How do I get there?"

"The airport's about a mile from here," said the employee, pointing out the window.

Meanwhile, back at his table Thranduil was sampling his pizza, which had finally showed up. Legolas's smelled really good. Thranduil wondered why he hadn't chosen Hawaiian too.

"Dad!" said Legolas, rushing over breathless. "I know how to get home! We have to go to New Zealand!"

"Are you sure you don't like anchovies, Legolas?" said Thranduil. "Because I don't either."

"We need to leave now," said Legolas, tugging at his father's sleeve (a childish habit he sometimes found himself slipping into when stressed). "Who knows what's been happening while we've been gone. And the fangirls might show up again..."

"Fine," said Thranduil with resignation. "Grab the groceries."

Legolas groaned but helped Thranduil collect all the grocery bags.

"All right, let's go," he said.

They turned and were about to walk towards the door but their way was blocked by four waiters carrying a plate with a cupcake on it.

"Excuse us. We need to get past," said Legolas, trying to hide the annoyance in his voice.

The waiters ignored him and, walking up to the table next to theirs, commenced singing "Happy Birthday." Legolas waited impatiently while Thranduil tried unsuccessfully to get one of the waiters to bring him a carry-out box for the pizzas.

"Just leave the groceries; they'll slow us down!" said Legolas.

"No, we paid for them!" Thranduil protested.

From one of the tables nearby a loud female voice was suddenly heard talking.

"Hey, didn't you say you saw Thranduil in a coffee shop this morning?"

Legolas and Thranduil froze and the hairs on the backs of their necks began to stand on end. Some of the hairs on their heads did too. Legolas glanced apprehensively at the person talking and saw that she had a smart phone clamped to her ear.

"Well, he's here right now - in Ledo's Pizza. Yeah. I'm serious."

"Move! Get out of the way! We need to get out right now!" cried Thranduil and Legolas, shoving at the waiters who were blocking their exit. "Okay, the song's over now. Let us through!"

"Hey, not so fast," said one of the waiters. "You dudes haven't paid yet. Just sit tight and I'll bring you the bill."

"Here's my credit card!" shouted Thranduil. "Take it and let us go!"

"It's too late!" shrieked Legolas, turning pale and staring in terror at the glass doors of the restaurant. Through the panels they could see a mob of rabid fangirls approaching at impossible speeds. Thranduil cringed as the doors opened and the sound of high-pitched shrieks suddenly filled the restaurant. Above the pandemonium he heard Legolas repeating brokenly, "Trapped! Trapped!" The mob surged closer. Thranduil closed his eyes.

Suddenly he heard a familiar voice.

"Aha! You're back!"

He opened his eyes. He and Legolas were standing in Mirkwood in front of a low hovel - Radagast's house. Radagast himself was standing in front of them.

"Well, how was your trip?" he asked.

"We-we're home," said Legolas dazedly and, as usual, obviously.

"Oh yes, didn't I tell you?" said Radagast. "Don't tell me I forgot; the potion wears off after four hours. Otherwise you would have been stuck there indefinitely."

"Four hours?" said Thranduil. "In that case you shouldn't have charged me so much for it!"

"Well, it's the only kind available, considering that the White Council can't use it on Mary Sues," explained Radagast. "So how did it go? Did you enjoy yourself? I see you took Legolas along - probably a good move since there's no telling what trouble he might have gotten into if you'd left him behind."

"Actually, I -" Legolas began.

"Oh, I see you've brought some food back from the human world," Radagast interrupted.

Thranduil and Legolas looked down at the grocery bags they were still holding.

"Hey - we did!" said Thranduil, pleased.

"I can use it to make a new potion, in case you want to go back sometime," said Radagast.

"No thank you," said Legolas. Suddenly he had a thought. "Hey, can you send us back in time as well?" he asked.

"Well, it's a bit tricky, but it can be done."

"Then I want to go back ten years ago," said Legolas eagerly. _Then I'll still have all the fangirls and Dad will be a nobody again,_ he thought.

"All right," said Radagast. "And there's enough stuff here to make a lot, in case you want to bring anyone else with you."

"Yes," said Legolas. "Make lots." _Then I can bring all my friends and show them how popular I am._

"All right," said Radagast. "What about you, sire?"

"That sounds fine," Thranduil agreed calmly. "Legolas needs some time off. Make a good strong potion that will keep him there for a week or two."

He was thinking of all the havoc Legolas might be able to wreak on the human world in that time.

"What are you going to do?" asked Legolas.

"I'm going to have a vacation. At home. In bed. Tell Galion to refer all orc interrogations to Feren until further notice."

"Didn't he enjoy his vacation?" Radagast asked Legolas in a low voice.

"Well, it was rather stressful" said Legolas. "But," he added, glancing at the pair of sunglasses hanging from Thranduil's collar, "he brought back a souvenir."

**The End**

* * *

><p><strong>Radagast can send people back in time because he's the seventh doctor. ;)<strong>

**So I know it's not the best ending, but I needed to wrap this one up. Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

**OneSizeFitsAll: **Yes, I want a pair of sunglasses now. B) **ThurinRanger: **I love your idea about Tauriel! I had to wrap this up because I really need to get back to some of my other stories, but I might do a sequel where Leggy goes back with Tauriel and some other willing and unwilling adventurers. Thranduil will probably be talked into going as well, but I can see the party splitting up to pursue their various interests. I didn't get a chance to make Legolas spend hours looking at jeans and hair products... **Lily Lindsey-Aubrey: **I would never leave anyone hanging. *looks shocked* :P **Optymistka: **Thank you! :D **KiliandFiliGirl: **One does not simply speak ill of the elvenking's looks. XD **Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant: **Yeah, the fangirls were kind of scary. O.O I started scaring myself with them. **Jezebel DeTrazie: **I know, right? If only someone could figure out how make Radagast's potion! **Cupcake 155: **Thank you! You're awesome, too! **Phillip Callaway: **:D :D Thanks! **Alistor Moody: **Thanks, I'm so glad you thinks so. Yeah, that poor guy. :P


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